A Warrior’s Heart

I was asked recently to describe myself in a word.

After sitting in silence for my soul’s definition, words like mother, friend, wife, therapist, and other descriptive words came to mind. However, none of these words seemed to embrace my essence. So after deciding that I was not simply an adjective, I sat breathing into the enormous weight I felt on my chest. This energy morphed into a blank, vast, empty, deep, dark, silent, enormous hole. Words failed. An emotional experience filled me. It was a total five dimension sense of being. Sadness doesn’t come close to describing the depth of this experience.

The thought that came to me was: if I don’t find a way to understand this grief, the experience of living the rest of my life will feel like this hole. I can’t let my spouse’s life become so tragic of a loss that I lose my life force.

How terrible would that be? The amount of love, security, vision, creativity, beauty, kindness, generosity of spirit, brilliant intelligence and enormous joy that was brought to me, and brought to this world, would be in vain.

So, “be strong” takes on a new meaning. I cannot, will not, let this life which was lived to its fullest be remembered and linked to silent torture.

Today, on Labor Day, a day we would be barbecuing, laughing, loving our children and friends, I choose to focus on a life lived, not the life lost. I will lift my energy even if it takes every ounce of courage in me. I will honor and appreciate my life with new dimension. I will allow my spouse’s strength and humility to run through my veins toward my evolution rather than my reinvention.

This is what feels like a necessary step; a necessary leap toward well-being, health and reclaiming my own destiny. I want to impress myself by carrying the love passed to me and through me, leaving me forever changed. Blessed with a new understanding of how life should be lived with a warrior’s heart.

About Jean Wolfe Powers, LMFT