Finding a new home without the person who makes home feel like home, is like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the bread. It is very sticky, and has no structure to hold it together. No boundaries separate the mess, or keep the sweet, syrupy, sticky insides from the solid strength of the crust. This is how it feels to look for a home now.

How does one go about eating just the inside? You need the bread or walls to make this a sandwich and not a spoon of jelly or peanut butter. How does one make this type of life altering decision while grieving? Where do I go from here?

I am searching for a respite…

a place of safety…

a place to watch movies with my daughter…

have dinners…

holidays…

enjoy my children and friends…

What does this place look like? The only thing I can think of is a person; not a place. The only respite — place of safety — center for loving our children and friends, is in the presence of my spouse. It doesn’t look like any place in particular. It only takes form when this certain energy of our life, and the incredible energy my spouse brought by simply being there. This made our house a home.

So now, as I have to purchase and move to a new home, I feel like I am looking at houses without crusts. Then, loving energy is brought only as I think of my spouse. And when I’m lucky, I feel the presence of this love. So I try to look for a house that we would both feel comfortable in. That is what feels correct and good to me — houses that I can decorate with the attention to detail that brings the comfort of a home.

Deeply missing the person that I have shared 100% of my heart with while rationally finding a place to finish raising our daughter is daunting. Providing a home base for my older children and myself is a task. It is unfortunately not a joy at the moment. However, it is a task that must be done. If done with care, it will hopefully provide love.

I do this by bringing the envelopment of love that surrounds me; even if by memory, while creating our new home. One more enormous event or action taken, is one more adjustment toward making my life work.